4 phases of a couple’s relationship

What are the characteristics of a love relationship and how to recognize which phase of the couple’s relationship I am in.

The couple’s relationship is constantly evolving, following the cultural changes that have characterized the different historical eras. In this article we will see how the love relationship model has changed and what the main phases of a relationship between two are.

We live in an era in which novels, TV series and the media have accustomed us to an ideal image of a romantic couple, risking distorting the reality of the facts, that is, that the couple’s relationship is a constant balance between balances and ruptures and that it implies continuous commitment and dedication so that it can evolve.

If we start from the arranged marriages that were widespread in the last century, we can see how there have been two big changes since then. We moved on to a freely chosen marriage, where what mattered most was the sexual and emotional satisfaction of the two spouses, separation was not well tolerated and phrases such as ” endure and stay together ” echoed as a function of the sacred bond of marriage.

Recently, however, there has been a further evolution of the couple’s relationship, one dominated by the satisfaction of individual needs . The idea of ​​being able to subordinate one’s needs to that of someone else or having to make sacrifices is almost intolerable, where one is a couple beyond any contract or written bond. This is why it is essential to ask ourselves: what keeps us together? Is it love or falling in love? And what is love really?

Let’s know together what the characteristics of the phases of a couple’s relationship are.

Let’s specify first that you don’t necessarily have to go through all the phases listed below, nor in this same order, since a lot depends on the personality variables of each partner and on their previous history.

PHASE 1: INFATUATION

In this phase, which lasts a few months, physical and chemical attraction prevails . Scientific studies1 demonstrate how in this phase hormones such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin play a fundamental role in maintaining and fueling the desire of the other and in choosing a partner. The other is idealised, that is, similarities are amplified, differences are minimised, and there is anxiety at separation which leads to a tendency to isolate oneself from others. Through a complex system of mechanisms, more or less conscious, we are “pushed” to get closer to a person who has characteristics that “integrate” with ours.

PHASE 2: FALLING IN LOVE

In this phase, which lasts approximately 2-3 years and is similar to the first in some respects, mutual knowledge deepens and the foundations are laid for a more lasting relationship, based on the sharing of common interests and the request for comfort, such as in which one becomes a “secure base” for the other and mutual affection and protection are exchanged. There is still a predominance of physical attraction and the other in this phase is still idealized and we try to make it coincide with the image of him/her that we have in mind. We are in love with what the other makes us feel, with how we feel in their presence. It is the symbiosis phase, where the individual’s drive for independence can be discouraged and closure towards external relationships.

PHASE 3: DISILLUSION

This is a pivotal phase and the most critical in the evolution of the couple’s relationship. In this phase, in fact, you begin to consider the idea of ​​spending your life with your partner, but you also begin to see him/her for what he/she really is. The initial idealization therefore falls away and we clash with the true personality of others, the one that is often hidden or denied. The personality of others, clashing with aspects of our own that gradually emerge, can cause arguments and conflicts to occur . But it is precisely in this phase that we can find a precious opportunity for personal growth.

The commitment to trying to meet one another can decline, or on the contrary one can observe aspects of one’s own and others’ personalities by learning to manage these dynamics, refining emotional and communication skills, negotiating and respecting others in their diversity and autonomy. In this phase the couple opens up to the world, to external relationships, experimenting again in their individuality and starting to undermine the couple’s symbiosis.

PHASE 4: LOVE

Love, unlike falling in love which comes suddenly and in which one “merges” with the other, is built slowly, starting from an ever greater knowledge of oneself and the other and from the valorization of mutual differences . After the phase of experimentation and outward exploration, the other is seen as separate from oneself. You are able to laugh at other people’s defects without feeling in any way threatened in your own fragility or without the fear that your partner will move away, you therefore experience greater well-being with yourself, which is reflected in your relationship.

We begin to lose some rigidity and we feel more inclined to get involved and place trust in others. We no longer use our partner to fill our emotional gaps, but with the desire to enrich him with aspects that we too can give him. The couple patiently learns to tolerate each other and work hard to reach an agreement.
We move away, and then get closer in a more mature and rational relationship as a couple .

(This post was written by Dr. Federica Foti and published by the editorial staff of Centro PsicoCare).

The couples therapy service of the PsicoCare Centre

The PsicoCare Center provides specialist support to improve the relationship within the couple, with the aim of perfecting communication and mutual understanding between partners. A course of therapy can help address moments of crisis in couple relationships, making changes, identifying and “correcting” the negative cycles that generate conflicts and suffering.
The psychotherapy model adopted is that of Systemic-Relational Therapy focused on the relationship systems within which the person is inserted, as well as on individual functioning through the contributions of attachment theory.

Visit the page dedicated to Couples Therapy.

Course organized by the PsicoCare Center:

“Problems in a couple’s relationship: how to improve communication and rediscover harmony”

The PsicoCare Center has activated a face-to-face course dedicated to couples who want to rediscover the right motivations to recover common goals and harmony in the relationship. Learn and apply the most effective techniques to make the relationship work, because healthy relationships are a determining cause of happiness.