How to get over the absence of a coworker and move on

No one is essential, but the absence of someone from our daily lives affects us.

The feelings that are generated can impact us in many ways depending on the degree of intimacy.

That is why it is normal that an absence from work also has an effect on us.

And we are not going to get into the worst.

Let’s just think about an absence “in life.”

A friend told me a few days ago that he had really noticed the absence of his companion at the next table.

“Chair buddy” he called him.

In fact, for him his departure was the starting signal to leave that company.

It only lasted 3 more months on her.

It is clear that he did not leave out of solidarity.

But the departure of his partner, in this case, was a symptom.

Symptom of what?

That the company was not going well.

And he was not wrong: that company ended up closing shortly after.

Although it is not about company closures that I want to talk to you today, but about how to survive the absence of a coworker.

The doubts after the separation.

When someone leaves, it is inevitable to ask, why did they leave?

It is not the same as having left voluntarily, having been “invited” to leave, or having been transferred.

So, depending on the answer you get, your reaction will probably be different.

If a team member decides, at his or her own risk, to leave the company, what is the first thing you feel when you find out?

Uncertainty.

• Why has he left, with how good we are here?
• Do you know something I don’t know?

We can’t help but think that there is something behind his departure.

And that something we think about is usually something negative:  “The company is doing poorly and that’s why it left .  ”

Or this other one, also very common:  “They have made you a better offer from the competition. “They are coming for us!”

We never think that their decision may have nothing to do with the good or bad performance of the company. That, perhaps, he has made that decision for personal reasons and has nothing to do with the company.

Nor with you.

Uncertainty, the Molotov cocktail.

The point is that, in general, we tend to think badly.

You know, as the saying goes: “Think wrong and you will be right.”

But that is not correct.

Nor fair.

Don’t you think so?

So we have to deal with it, with the uncertainty.

For me that is one of the worst feelings you can have at work: not knowing what is going to happen, not being able to predict the short or medium term is dizzying.

A Molotov cocktail that can set everything around you on fire, including your future decisions regarding your functions and your stay in the company.

But aren’t you getting ahead of things?

I’ve already said it: perhaps his departure has nothing to do with the company. So why worry unnecessarily?

If, on the other hand, the person leaving has been fired, it is fear that takes over our feelings.

• If they have fired him, who was so good at what he did, I have two news programs left.
• I don’t understand how they could have fired him, so I’m not going to move from my chair, lest they nominate me too.

The every man for himself begins, and we all start running.

The solution to all these questions, those of voluntary and forced departure, is very simple: ask.

If he asks. Not stay with the doubts.

And asking does not mean gossiping, but going to the reliable source and trying to clarify what could have happened.

Or at least let them tell you what they can tell you.

In a word: communication. With good communication, when you have the necessary information, everything is much easier to cope with.

When absence hurts

What is also common to both types of departure from a colleague’s company is that their absence is noticeable.

It hurts us.

And that pain that it causes us has nothing to do with the quality of their work. Or that, if they don’t replace it, I will have to work more.

Nothing of that.

What hurts us is the absence of the person who is gone.

That empty chair.

Because, no matter how many friends we have become, I am not going to see him every day, nor talk to him.

Los Panchos already sang it in their famous bolero:   they say that distance is oblivion

You know the coffee break won’t be the same without their jokes.

You are aware that Mondays will be more difficult without their weekend anecdotes.

Also, with whom are you going to comment on your Atleti’s match on Saturday, when everyone in the office is from Barça?

All that, which is so important, which fulfills you so much, and which makes your work better, goes with it.

Absence to assess presence

And it had to be when he was gone, when he was no longer there, when you realized how important he was to you.

Suddenly you are more grumpy, moody, even borderline sometimes.

The work is difficult for you.

Going to the office is an ordeal.

Because?

Because your colleague, your companion, your friend, is no longer here.

They say we don’t know what we have until we lose it.

That makes you angry. You’re angry, very angry (yes, I know I’ve said it 3 times, but you’re very superlative…).

And also sad.

Because he’s gone and hasn’t told you anything.

It was sudden.

You looked like a fool.

You weren’t prepared for this.

And he hasn’t even said goodbye (probably they haven’t let him, but you don’t know that, and therefore, yes, you guessed it: you get even angrier).

What kind of colleague does that?

Wasn’t he as good a friend of yours as you are of him? Because if you had told him, right?

…

Let me explain something to you: you are grieving.

Grief for lost friendship. Due to lack of trust. For betrayal.

You’re screwed…

How to overcome his absence?

As in all duels, you will go through several phases.

You know them: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Although knowing this does not make it easier to go through them.

And you’re going to need to burn them all.

But there are some things you can do that can help you handle it better and make the process shorter and more bearable:

Close that chapter and open a new one

This can not continue. You have to turn the page. And to do so, you must talk to the one who is gone.

Hear it.

Try to understand it.

No blame.

No culprits.

Looking for common points, which are many.

Because, even if you don’t see each other every day, you are friends, and you can continue talking. And staying.

And you know: there are Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, Google Meet… After the pandemic, we are all experts in handling video conferencing.

Maybe you can have coffee every morning like before, but virtually.

And, cheer up, there’s very little left until your avatars can comment on the weekend in Mark Zuckerberg’s metaverse.

Carpe Diem

There is an invariable universal law to be happy: live in the present.

They already said it in the movie  Dead Poets Society  (do you also cry every time you see it?):  carpe diem .

Or in Christian: take advantage of the present without waiting for the future.

And, of course, without wallowing in the past.

Therefore, look for alternative plans.

I’m not telling you to look for new friends, no one can replace your soul mate. But you can open yourself to the possibility of getting closer to other colleagues.

They surely have a lot to contribute.

And before you know it, you’ll feel like you’re part of the team again. With renewed plans for the future, and wonderful challenges to meet.

Focus your energy on assimilating what happened and talk about it

Sometimes we are like ticks: we cling tooth and nail to what we had. It’s normal, because no one wants to lose the good things they have.

We have that instinct of conservation that leads us to want everything we have to remain.

We don’t like changes, I already told you about that here,  The fear of change.

So talk about it.

Find someone: a friend, your partner, your brother, a neighbor… Even a coach (I’ll leave you a lifeline below), who will listen to you carefully.

In any case: find someone you trust and with whom you can open up. Someone who listens to you and understands you.

And let go of everything: the good, the bad, the average.

What could have been but was not.

Talk about how you feel. Of frustration. Of anger. Of rage. Of absence.

Emptying yourself, being honest, recognizing how you feel will make the pain lighter.

You know, shared sorrows weigh less.

By following these tips you will be able to better overcome the feeling of a partner’s absence.

But there is more: do you want to know them and put them into action?