About the Stages of Grieving

February 29, 2024 Abdullah Arif

Table of Contents

Learning about the emotional stages you will go through after the loss of a loved one can help you heal.

Pain is universal. At some point in everyone’s life, they have or will encounter grief at least once. It could be the death of a loved one, job loss, the end of a relationship, or any other change that alters life as you know it.

Grief is very personal. It does not follow any timeline or schedule. You may cry, get angry, withdrawn, feel empty. None of this is unusual or wrong. Everyone grieves differently, but there are some commonalities in the stages and sequence of emotions experienced during grief.

The five stages of grief are:

Denial:“No, it’s not me, this can’t be true.”
Anger:“Why me?”
Bargaining:efforts to delay death through “good attitude”
Depression:the process of reacting to illness and preparing for death
Acceptance:“The last stopping point on the long road”

Where did the stages of grief come from?

In 1969, a Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote in her book “On Death and Dying” that grief can be divided into five stages. The theory of grief became known as the Kübler-Ross model. Although originally designed for sick people, these stages of grief have also been adapted for other experiences related to loss.

Does grief always follow the same sequence of stages?

Not everyone will experience all five stages, and you may not be able to go through them in that order.

Grief is different for every person, so you may begin to cope with the loss during the bargaining stage and find yourself in anger or denial in the next step. You can stay in one of the five stages for months, but skip the others entirely.

Stage 1: Denial

Pain is a dominant emotion. It is not uncommon to react to intense and often sudden emotions by pretending that loss or change is not occurring. Denying this gives you time to slowly absorb and process the news. This is a common defense mechanism and helps numb you to the intensity of the situation.

However, as you move out of the denial stage, the emotions you have been hiding will begin to arise. You will be faced with a lot of grief that you deny. This is also part of the grief journey, but it can be difficult.

Examples of denial phase

Separation or divorce: “They’re just sad. “This will be over tomorrow.”
Job loss: “They were wrong. “They’ll call tomorrow to say they need me.”
Death of a loved one: “Not gone.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “This isn’t happening to me. The results are wrong.”

Stage 2: Anger

Where denial can be thought of as a coping mechanism, anger is a masking effect. Anger hides many of the emotions and pain you carry. This anger may be directed at other people, such as the deceased, your ex, or your former boss. You can even direct your anger towards inanimate objects.

Even though your rational brain knows that the object of your anger is not guilty, your emotions at that moment are too intense to feel it.

Anger can mask itself with emotions such as bitterness or resentment. There may be no outright anger or rage. Not everyone will experience this stage and some may linger here. But as the anger subsides, you can begin to think more rationally about what happened and feel the emotions you pushed aside.

Anger stage examples

Separation or divorce: “I hate him! He will regret breaking up with me!”
Job loss: “They are terrible bosses. I hope they fail.”
Death of a loved one: “This wouldn’t have happened if she had cared more about herself.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “Where is God in this? How dare God have this happen!”

Stage 3: Negotiation

When dealing with loss, it is not uncommon to feel so helpless that you are willing to do almost anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. Losing a loved one can cause us to consider any way to avoid the current pain or the pain we anticipate from the loss. There are many ways we can try to negotiate.

During grief, you may feel vulnerable and helpless. During these moments of intense emotion, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain control or to want to feel like you can influence the outcome of an event. During the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” and “what if” statements.

It is also not uncommon for religious individuals to attempt to make a deal or promise to God or a higher power in exchange for healing or relief from grief and pain. Bargaining is a line of defense against feelings of grief. It helps you postpone sadness, confusion, or hurt.

Negotiation stage examples

Bargaining can make a variety of promises, including:

“God, if you can heal this person, I will turn my life around.”
“If you let this person live, I promise to get better.”
“If you can stop him from dying or leaving me, I will never be angry again.”
Separation or divorce: “If only I had spent more time with him, he would have stayed.”
Job loss: “If I had worked more on weekends, they would have realized how valuable I was.”
Death of a loved one: “If I had called him that night, he wouldn’t have left.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “If only we had gone to the doctor sooner, we could have stopped this.”

Stage 4: Depression

Depression can feel like a “silent” stage of grief, while anger and bargaining feel very “active.”

In the early stages of loss, you may be avoiding the emotions and trying to stay one step ahead of them. But at this point, you can embrace and work on them in a healthier way. You may also choose to isolate yourself from others to fully cope with the loss.

But that doesn’t mean depression is easy or well-defined. Like other stages of grief, depression can be difficult and messy.

Depression can feel like the inevitable landing point of any loss. However, if you feel stuck here or can’t move past this stage of grief, talk to a mental health professional. A therapist can help you work through this coping period.

Examples of depression phases

Separation or divorce: “Why do you keep going?”
Job loss: “I don’t know how to move forward from here.”
Death of a loved one: “What am I without him?”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “My whole life is coming to this terrible end.”

Stage 5: Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage of grief. This doesn’t mean you’re past the grief or loss. But it does mean that you have accepted it and are now starting to understand what it means in your life.

You may feel very different at this stage. This is completely expected. There’s been a big change in his life and it’s upending his feelings about a lot of things. Look to acceptance as a way to see that there may be more good days than bad, but it can still be bad – and that’s okay.

Acceptance stage examples

Separation or divorce: “In the end, this was a healthy choice for me.”
Job loss: “I will be able to find a way forward from here and start a new path.”
Death of a loved one: “I am so lucky to have spent so many wonderful years with him, and he will always be in my memories.”
Terminal illness diagnosis: “In these last weeks and months I have the opportunity to pull things together and make sure I do what I want.”

7 stages of grief

The seven stages of grief are another popular model for explaining many complex experiences of loss. These seven stages include:

Shock and denial. It is a state of disbelief and numb emotions.
Pain and guilt. You may feel that the loss is unbearable and that you are making other people’s lives difficult because of your emotions and needs.
Anger and bargaining. You may lash out at God or a higher power by saying you will do anything they ask if it will just help you get rid of these feelings.
This may be a period of isolation and loneliness as you process and reflect on the loss.
Upward rotation. At this point, the stages of grief such as anger and pain have died away and you are left in a calmer, more relaxed state.
Restructuring and study. You can begin to put the pieces of your life together and move forward.
Acceptance and hope. It is a very gradual acceptance of the new way of life and a sense of possibility in the future.

As an example, this could be a presentation of the stages after a separation or divorce:

Shock and denial: “He definitely wouldn’t do this to me. “He will realize he was wrong and come back here tomorrow.”
Pain and guilt: “How could he do this to me? How selfish? How did I ruin this?”
Anger and bargaining: “I’ll be a better boyfriend if he gives me another chance. “I will worship him and give him everything he wants.”
Depression: “I will never have another relationship. “I am doomed to fail everyone.”
Upturn: “The ending was hard, but there may be a place in the future where I can see myself in another relationship.”
Restructuring and reworking: “I need to evaluate this relationship and learn from my mistakes.”
Acceptance and hope: “I have so much to offer another person. “I just need to meet them.”

The key to understanding grief is to realize that no one is going through the same thing. Grief is very personal and you may feel something different each time. You may need a few weeks, or the grief may last for years.

If you decide that you need help coping with emotions and changes, a mental health professional is a good resource to examine your feelings and find a sense of reassurance in these very heavy and heavy emotions.