How to Argue Well and Turn Conflicts into Opportunities

I have always been very interested in the research of Professor John Gottman, a pioneer in the study of the causes of divorce. His main work consists of having recorded thousands of couples interacting with each other for years to find what signals are capable of predicting an imminent separation .

And do you know what he has identified as the biggest indicator that a relationship is about to end?

When the sneer appears on one or both members. Snap:

Basically Dr. Gottman concludes that a relationship is already doomed the moment this gesture begins to appear. But how is it possible for a couple in love to show this sign of contempt over time?

The answer is arguing .

But not for the sake of arguing. It would be utopian to believe that we can live with someone without sometimes our opinions being different. What really hurts is how we argue.

The most widespread idea is that relationships fail when arguments are frequent, but this is not the case. It is not the number of conflicts, but how we behave during them.

And sometimes emotions dominate us and we begin to use accusatory language. We lose our temper and say things without thinking that we later regret.

But we have already said them.

That is why it is extremely important to learn to resolve conflicts without hurting ourselves. It may not be possible to reach an agreement at that time, but at least let’s not compromise the future of a relationship.

Doctors have a saying for that, Primum non nocere , which literally means First do no harm .

In an argument or conflict of opinions, your initial objective should be the same: not to make the situation worse. And then try to reach an agreement.

Today I bring you a guest article from psychologist and coach Miriam Martin , author of the blog Psicorumbo , where she will help you find the way to argue in a healthy way and not compromise the future of your relationships.

Without further ado, I’ll leave you with Miriam!

What will you learn in this article? [ show ]

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When was the last time you argued with someone?

A few weeks ago I sent an email to my readers asking them this same question and received dozens of emails from people whose usual routine was to argue with other people several times a day.

These emails were full of complaints and lamentations:

• “I’m arguing about the same thing every day with my partner”
  • “I no longer know what to do to make my son listen to me”
  • “I end up in a bad mood all day because of arguments at work”
  • “I feel like I’m losing control when I argue with someone”
  • “I don’t usually argue, I often stay silent but when I explode I destroy everything”

I think the conclusion is clear: we don’t know how to argue.

Far from taking discussions as something natural, taking advantage of them and turning them into opportunities , we get entangled with ourselves and our own emotions, we reflect our frustrations on others, we close ourselves off like mussels, we don’t listen, we counterattack and end up turning them into sources. of frustration, anguish and discomfort.

But don’t worry, this has a solution and you can learn to argue in a productive way.

A real example: Ana and Raúl

I want to tell you a very interesting case of a couples therapy that I had a few months ago (the names are fictitious).

Ana and Raúl came to my office on the verge of breaking up; they were not capable of spending more than an hour together without arguing.
Ana complained that Raúl yelled at the first opportunity and Raúl complained that Ana was constantly reproaching him for things from the past.

When they arrived they were thinking about separating, they were so focused on attacking each other every time there was some contradiction between them that they hadn’t listened to each other for years .

As soon as there was a disagreement, Ana would begin her tirade about how she had never felt understood and Raúl would begin to raise his voice saying that he was already doing the same thing again, to which Ana reproached him for already shouting as always and Raúl would become angry. He became desperate and screamed even more.

They saw no solution to their problem.

However, the moment they realized that they had never listened to each other (they didn’t even know why they were arguing, only that Ana was annoying and Raúl was a shouter), and that the goal was not to be right but to be right. Being able to talk to each other, listen to each other and reach a common agreement, they went on their second honeymoon.

What’s happening to us? Why is it so difficult for us to get out of ourselves and our own vision of the world?

We know that there are thousands of different realities, we respect different religions and cultures, and yet it is very difficult for us to tolerate the fact that the people closest to us have ideas different from ours.

I’m going to give you bad news: arguments are inevitable.

Arguing all day is as bad as never arguing. Of course, arguing is understood as debating about different options and opinions, not as throwing plates at each other’s heads.

We are social beings by nature

Human beings are social beings by nature.

Can you imagine a single human going out to hunt from his cave? Most likely, instead of returning with something to eat, it ended up becoming a tasty snack for some predator.

The fact of organizing ourselves in groups and being in relationship with each other has guaranteed the survival of the species for years.

It is true that now we do not need others to survive but there is still a primary need for affection that we satisfy by relating to others.

However, human beings are as similar to each other as they are different.

Each person sees the world through their own glasses. If you see the world through blue glasses, no matter how much someone else tries to make you see that it is green, you will continue to see it as blue. The only way for you to see the green world will be to change your glasses.

In addition, these glasses are made of a very resistant material:

• Beliefs (perhaps the most resistant material I know)
• Values
• Expectations
• Experiences

Therefore, it is normal that conflicts arise among so many people in the world with so many different glasses.

Conflicts are not bad, arguing is not bad. How boring the world would be if we all thought alike! Diversity is richness and problems only appear when we are not able to understand that the world has as many glasses as there are people and we lock ourselves behind our own, colliding with our own ego.

What is the ego?

The ego is the image that throughout your life you have created of yourself and what is right.

When someone confronts you, the warning signals are triggered in your body, your psychological survival is threatened and some responses are triggered to guarantee this survival. Against attacking!

That is the moment in which you become totally emotional, your mind becomes cloudy, and you forget the initial objective of the discussion, being supplanted by an objective that seems supreme to you at that moment: being right.

Proof of this is the number of discussions that take place on a daily basis over issues of politics, football or religion.

It does not influence you at all if that person is from the right or the left, from Barça, from Madrid, believes in God, Buddha or is an atheist, however, your anger and your need to make that person understand that they have to see the world under your glasses.

It’s normal to get angry from time to time. We all get angry! Anger is a natural, primary emotion. It has its function of self-protection, internal regulation and social communication, anger is necessary.

However, the problem comes into play when that anger clouds your ability to reason and only allows you to interpret reality through its prism.

Just because you have every right in the world to be angry doesn’t mean that every time you get angry you are right.

3 guidelines to stop the need to speak and attack

I am going to talk to you about three strategies that can be very useful to get out of that emotional cloud and be able to communicate in a way that will greatly increase the probability of obtaining better results in your discussions.

1# Reduce your activation level

When your activation level is very high it will be impossible for you to think clearly, so I recommend that before speaking and saying anything that you may regret, you use some activation control technique to dissipate the emotional cloud a little.

As an additional bonus to this article, I am going to give you a guided meditation that will help you learn to control your activation anytime, anywhere.

With this meditation we are going to create an anchor, an anchor is an association, in this case between a feeling of deep relaxation and a gesture, so that every time you execute that gesture you can evoke that feeling of relaxation, therefore being able to control your level. of stress wherever and whenever you want.

Looks good right?

Click here to download this meditation.

2# Before speaking, ask yourself why

Before saying anything, ask yourself: Why am I going to say this? Will it help me achieve the goal I intend to achieve?

If you do not find a convincing answer to that question or if what you are going to say is not going to help you achieve the objective you intend to achieve, it is better that you remain silent until you think of another more appropriate phrase that can have a place in a constructive discussion. .

It is important that you ask yourself Why instead of Why . Since in this way you will eliminate from your mind the repertoire of responses such as “Because I feel like it” , “Because he is looking for it” , “Because I am angry” , etc.

3# Pay attention to your body sensations

Normally we are more accustomed to paying attention to what is happening around us than to what is happening within ourselves. However, to learn to know ourselves and self-regulate, it is important that we pay attention to what is happening under our skin.

To stop this need to speak compulsively and counter-attack, it is important that you observe your emotional manifestations on a physical level.

Are you starting to feel some unpleasant sensations? Is your heart racing? Are your muscles starting to tense?

Being aware of this will help you learn to detect when your emotions begin to dominate you and you will be able to remedy it.

8 more keys to discuss better and turn conflicts into opportunities

However, it is not enough to not counterattack. If an argument has arisen, it is because there is a conflict, a difference of interests or opinions between two or more people that has to be resolved so that the relationship does not deteriorate.

So let’s look at some guidelines to increase the likelihood of turning that discussion into an opportunity to improve that relationship.

1# Remember your objective

Remember that the objective of the discussion is not to be right, to be above the other or to see who wins.

The objective of the discussion should be to reach an agreement or a common point with the other person, therefore every time you detect that you are moving away from that objective, return to it.

It doesn’t matter who is more or less right, the important thing is to reach an agreement. Remember it.

I also recommend ignoring any type of reproach or comment from the other person that deviates from that objective and redirecting them with a simple “I don’t want to argue, I think the important thing is that we solve this and reach an agreement” or “I understand that you are upset. ” But I think we have to find a solution . ”

It is very important that you do not enter the vicious circle of reproaches and therefore competition with others. An argument is not a competition but rather teamwork in which both of you end up winning.

2# Listen to what the other person is telling you

Yes, of course it seems obvious but I can assure you that many times we are so closed in on ourselves that we do not hear what the other person is telling us (or we perceive it in the wrong way).

To make sure that you are listening to the person in front of you (basic if you want to get something out of any discussion and even any conversation) I recommend asking them a question whose answer can confirm if you are correctly understanding what they are trying to tell you.

For example, “What do you mean is that you felt left out when I didn’t ask you before making these plans?” or “From what I understand, you are trying to tell me that you don’t like me arriving late from work without telling you . ”

This way you will not only receive feedback about whether what you are understanding is correct but the other person will feel heard and therefore reduce their level of alarm.

3 #Speak from yourself, not from the other

When you want to make someone see that you have felt bad because of their behavior, always speak from yourself, give what you have felt and not from the field of the other’s intentions .

For example: “I have felt displaced or disappointed” and not “Your attitude or you have made me feel this way”

This strategy will increase your chances of success for two reasons:

• The other’s ego will feel less attacked, so their response will be less aggressive.
• That you felt bad is not debatable, the other person may not have had bad intentions at all and you may have created a scary movie. But the truth is that you have felt bad.

If you do not go in to accuse or look for blame and simply express your feelings in a certain situation, you have a much better chance of winning.

4# Do not open another melon until you finish the one you are eating

When I was little (and not so little) my mother used to scold me when I opened a package of milk, cheese or whatever and there was already another open one in the refrigerator.

I was right, first you have to finish what is open otherwise it will get damaged.

Let me tell you, something similar happens to most of us when we argue.

How many times have you started arguing about a specific topic and ended up bringing up a thousand more topics without having resolved any of them?

Remember that your goal is to come to a conclusion on an issue , not open the shit drawer and start throwing out dirty socks.

So please discuss only one topic at a time! When you reach an agreement on that topic, you can discuss another one if you want.

When you detect that you or the other person is opening too many melons at the same time, a phrase like “Let’s finish talking about this topic first and when we reach an agreement, if you want, we can talk about this other thing” will be enough to redirect the topic.

5# Put on the other’s glasses

It’s likely that what the other person is telling you seems like utter nonsense to you and you don’t understand why they’re upset with you.

This is the time to put on your glasses and understand that what is not important to you can be something transcendental to others, since they have had a life learning history different from yours and therefore see the world in a different way. to you.

For example, you probably love steak, however in India they consider cows to be a sacred animal and the last thing on their mind is to turn them into a dinner. Which glasses are more correct? Who has the reason?

There is no answer… They are simply different glasses.

So when you don’t understand their behavior or feelings, before responding, put yourself in their context: probably if you had lived their same experiences you would act in the same way.

Ask yourself why might that person be acting like this? How will she be viewing the situation? Try for a moment to get inside her mind and interpret the situation from her point of view.

Once this is done you can go back to your brain and your point of view, but I am sure you will be much more flexible.

6#Choose the right time

It is very important that when you want to discuss a topic with someone, you choose the right place and time.

Imagine that you want to express something to your partner that you know can lead to(a good fight).

How do you think you are most likely to get good results? If you tell her when she arrives tired from a long day at work or if you invite her to dinner and raise the topic in a relaxed manner while you eat?

Yes, it may also happen that your dinner starts to become indigestible, but I assure you that the chances of success are greater.

It is also important that you avoid arguing when you are very upset, if you are absorbed in a negative emotional cloud it will be quite difficult for you to say logical things.

Therefore, if you see that the discussion is getting out of hand, it is best to leave it for another time saying a simple “I think it’s better that we talk about this later, now I’m very angry and I’m not in a position to talk.” to speak.” If the other person insists, you can repeat the phrase as many times as necessary and even physically leave the place until your activation level has lowered.

7# Don’t take it personally

It is likely that when you are arguing with another person, they will begin to criticize you, reproach you, or tell you certain things that you would like not to be hearing.

Don’t take it personally! How the other person is seeing you is more a reflection of themselves than of how you really are .

Just because a person sees you green does not mean that you are necessarily green, but rather that the prism of the glasses of the person who is judging you is that color.

I recommend that you don’t play their game. Apart from the fact that in the blame game there are no winners, if you enter it you will be forgetting what the objective of that discussion was.

To stay calm and get out of the situation successfully, you can ask yourself the following questions.

• What bothers this person about your attitude? He’s probably bothered by your serenity, your security, your independence, or some other factor that has nothing to do with the goal of the discussion.
• Is what the other person is criticizing so much really something negative? If the answer is no, or not for you, it is clear that the topic is not for you.
• What personal experiences of this person can explain (not justify) why they are behaving this way?

8# Use the sandwich technique

This technique will greatly increase the chances that the other person will respond well to criticism or a request for change.

It is a very easy technique to learn and makes a big difference in how your comment will be received.

The way to use this strategy would be the following:

1. Start by mentioning positive aspects of the other person and understanding towards them ( “you know that one of the things that made me fall in love with you was your joy and that you were such a sociable person”)
2. Issue criticism or request for change ( “However, I think you have had a lot of commitments lately and I have felt a little displaced. I would like us to spend more time together and make more plans alone from now on.”)
3. Finish by saying something positive ( “you know I really enjoy your company and I can think of many interesting things to do together”)

Sounds good, right?

How to close a discussion and commit to next steps?

An important step after the discussion is for both parties to move forward with what was agreed. Otherwise the discussion will have been in vain and in a short time the same problems will appear again.

To do this, it is important that before closing the discussion, you thank the other person for their attitude and their time listening to you , express some advantage that these changes are going to have on the relationship, and get yourself involved in that change.

For example: “I’m very glad you listened to me and we were able to reach an agreement, I’m also going to try to be more understanding with you, I’m sure that from now on our relationship will improve a lot . ”

If, for whatever reason, the other person does not comply with their part of the agreement, I recommend that you let them see it without reproach every time you detect it and without arguing about the same issues again.

A phrase like “ The other day we talked about this and we agreed that (whatever it is), I hope that from now on we comply with what we agreed to” should be enough.

However, let’s be realistic, these strategies we are talking about will not guarantee 100% your success, there are times that no matter how assertive we are, the other person will not want or will not be able to put on our glasses.

Just as you have every right to express your disagreement with certain issues, other people have the right to decide if they want to make certain changes in this regard or not.

In the case of the other person who does not want to, does not know or is not able to change, you have two options:

1. Learn to tolerate that behavior so that it bothers you as little as possible. That is, accept that the situation is not going to change, but that it will compensate you nonetheless.
2. Distance yourself from that relationship or break it if you conclude that you are not able or do not want to tolerate the situation.

So far we have come! I hope that this article has been useful to you and that from today you begin to apply all these strategies in your discussions. This is how you will see how quickly:

• Your stress level decreases
• Your relationships improve
• People listen to you more and understand you better.