How to Resolve Conflicts With Your Social Skills

On my last trip to Japan I had dinner one night at a restaurant in a small but busy alley in the Shinjuku neighborhood. The restaurant was so small that it barely fit five people, so I could hear almost every conversation the customers were having. Next to me, two office workers in their late thirties were arguing heatedly.

I have never seen two people throw so many accusations at each other every second and end up as angry (and drunk) as those two coworkers.

Although these types of discussions are common in Japan, the reality is that they were immersed in a conflict that only served as an escape valve from the tensions inherent to a marathon workday. That’s why I thought about writing a post upon my return about how to use social skills to resolve conflicts (with your partner, friends, work, whatever), staying calm and increasing the chances of reaching a solution.

By the way, this article is inspired by the phenomenal social skills book Crucial Conversations , which explains how to manage emotionally charged conversations and conflicts. I recommend it to you 100%.

The path to action

Allow me a reminder about the process that begins when we receive information and ends when we take an action.

First you see and listen, collecting information . Based on it, your mind unconsciously creates a story . These stories will provoke some feelings in you , and depending on them, you will act in one way or another.

The trick is that even when the initial information received is little or almost non-existent, the process continues . And humans are incredibly quick at creating stories. You can get more information in the post about persuasive social communication .

The problem: we confuse stories with facts

In the most delicate conversations, such as arguments as a couple or tense situations at work, the real problem is that many times people confuse stories with information, or in other words, with facts. When we create stories so quickly, we can begin to believe that the stories are the facts. And that’s where the conflict begins.

• The husband of a wife who consistently comes home late after work for a while may begin to believe that she is having an affair. In that case, the man may confuse his story(the infidelity) with the information (his wife is coming home late) and relate any subsequent evidence to the story he has created, aggravating the problem.

How would you try to clarify this situation if you were the husband? How would you use your social skills to prevent your wife from becoming defensive?

The best way is to make her walk your path to action . You should get him to experience from beginning to end, and not the other way around, the path you have taken to draw your conclusions. You must know the facts first and then your story.

5 social skills that will help you resolve conflicts

1. Share your facts. Start by explaining the facts you have detected. The facts do not generate controversy. If you want to persuade others, don’t start with your stories, start with your observations. If you start with your conclusions and don’t give evidence to support them, people will make up reasons why you are saying that. And usually it will be that you are either stupid or evil. Gathering and communicating objective facts is the first job you must do.
2. Tell your story. Once you have reported the facts, explain your story without exposing it as a reality , but as a possibility. As you do this, you should notice if the other person starts to get defensive. If so, stop in your argument, clarify what you do not intend to say and then what you do intend. And remember not to apologize for your view of history. It’s just your vision.
3. Ask for your interlocutor’s facts and stories. Once you have shared your information and possible conclusions, ask the other person to do the same. You will demonstrate humility and understanding and prevent them from becoming closed off.
4. He speaks tentatively . A key aspect in social skills. Remember to change “What happens here is..:” with “In my opinion…”, “I was wondering why…”, “Maybe you didn’t realize that…”, etc. And the process of dialogue has an irony: when we face opposing opinions, the more bluntly we speak, the more resistant to change others will be. Speaking in absolute terms does not increase your influence, it decreases it.
5. Encourage them to test you. When you invite others to speak, you should do so in such a way that they are really clear that you want to listen to them, no matter how controversial their ideas may be: “Do you see it any other way?”, “Am I missing something here?”, “I would like to speak.” to hear the other side of this story.” You can also play devil’s advocate yourself if you don’t receive a response.