How to talk to your friends without ruining their mood

You’ve had a very bad day. Maybe you became involved in a conflict at work or quarreled with your parents or loved one. Whatever the reason for your moodiness, talking to a friend seems like a good way to let off steam and find solace. You’ll tell him everything in great detail, from childhood trauma to a bad breakup, in the hopes that he’ll help you feel just a little better. But have you ever thought about the emotional toll your fiery monologue has on your friend?

You might respond, “That’s what friends are for—to listen to everyone’s problems and express sympathy, isn’t it?” But the fact is that sometimes when we share painful things with them, we cross the line. We forget that our friends are not psychologists and communicating with them as specialists affects not only friendly relationships, but also their mental state. When we share our traumatic or unpleasant experiences without warning, without considering whether our friends want to know about it or not, we can unwittingly hurt their feelings and make them feel depressed.

Of course, this does not mean that you need to keep everything to yourself. Just next time you decide to vent to a friend, follow a few rules.

Warn in advance

Asking a friend for permission to vent to him sounds unexpected. This may seem awkward and unnatural. But even a simple message before a call or meeting with the question “Are you free tonight? I want to talk about what happened at my work” will show that you respect the time and personal boundaries of your loved one.

Plus, if you warn your friend in advance, your news will be less likely to shock or unsettle him. You will also give him the opportunity to say “no” or choose a time when it will be more convenient for him to listen and support you.

Choose the right time

Especially if something serious happened. There’s a time and place for every emotionally difficult conversation, and a spontaneous video call on a Tuesday night probably isn’t the best choice. As much as you might want to vent your feelings about a toxic family member or a potential breakup right then and there , schedule a time to discuss the sensitive topic. This way she will get the attention she deserves, and again, you won’t embarrass your friend with unexpected revelations.

Of course, it all depends on what you want to talk about. If it’s an urgent crisis that requires immediate attention, don’t wait to call. But if the problem can wait, give your friend the opportunity to prepare or refuse. Maybe he’s also having a bad day and wants to be alone. Or he is also going through a breakup and is unable to give relationship advice. Therefore, it is better to ask in advance when a friend will be ready to discuss your difficult situation with you, whether in person or over the phone.

Have a dialogue, not a monologue

Even though you need to talk it out, remember: friendship is a two-way street. Even if you have a very serious problem, a conversation can still be a reason for mutual support. For example, you can thank your friend for his time, and also ask what is going on in his life and if he needs to talk about anything.

This is especially important when discussing sensitive topics such as grief or relationship violence. To make sure you don’t accidentally trigger unpleasant memories or emotions, check regularly to see if you can continue or if the topic is too painful for your friend and needs to be changed. Give him a say in the conversation, because he also wants to be noticed and listened to. An atmosphere of reciprocity, when a loved one knows that you are nearby and are also ready to help him, is very important for a relationship.

Find another way to relieve stress

During a crisis, your first instinct may be to call a friend and spill everything that comes to mind. But try not to turn this behavior into a habit, otherwise you risk tiring your loved one and ruining his mood because he could not help you.

It is important to learn to cope with negative emotions and stress on your own. Walk in the fresh air; physical exercise; write in a diary or, alternatively, a voice note in your phone about what is bothering you; even a nap during the day – no matter what activity you choose. The main thing is that it calms you down and gives you the opportunity to cool down a little before taking out anger, disappointment, sadness and other difficult emotions on your friend.

Contact a psychologist

A friend can certainly support you in difficult times. But if you’re struggling with deep-seated issues such as trauma of any kind or outbursts of uncontrollable anger, it may be best to seek professional help . It will help you sort through painful thoughts and feelings and teach you healthy ways to cope with them.

If you are not sure whether you should see a specialist, here are a few questions that will clarify the situation:

• How much does the problem interfere with your daily life? Maybe this is a temporary phenomenon, such as stress due to moving?
• Could the problem be resolved in the near future? Let’s say you’re worried about an upcoming presentation at work, and as soon as it’s over, everything will go back to normal.
• Or is the problem you keep discussing with a friend preventing you from eating, sleeping, and working normally, or from feeling good and enjoying life?

Friends can be a great source of support during the toughest times. But if your mental well-being is seriously deteriorating, it’s best to seek professional help. No matter how much our loved ones care about us, they are far from omnipotent. And when you lean on your friend for every emotional stress, neither of you is truly supported and cared for.