“Nobody Loves Me:” Understanding Loneliness and Self-Shame

Perhaps there is no more painful thought in the world than the thought “no one loves me.” In moments when we feel isolated, depressed, anxious, or insecure, we are in a terrible state of self-attack. This feeling has almost nothing to do with reality and has no purpose other than to hurt us deeply and turn it against ourselves and whatever our goals are. Yet, this exact thought is extremely common for both shy and extroverted people.

When psychologist Lisa Firestone conducted research using a scale that measured an individual’s self-destructive thoughts, she found that the most common critical thought people had about themselves was that they were not like other people. Humans are a social species, and yet each of us, on some level, feels like we don’t fit in with everyone else.

A recent UK study of millions of people found that one in 10 people do not feel they have a close friend, while a fifth feel they are never or rarely loved. So, while we may feel lonely because “nobody loves me,” we actually have something in common with a surprising number of people in the world. Moreover, what most of us who feel this feeling of isolation fail to realize is the reason behind it. The way we perceive ourselves as ostracized, rejected, unloved, or cast aside has much less to do with our external circumstances and less to do with an inner critic we all have.

What is our “critical inner voice”?

This “critical inner voice” exists within all of us and constantly reminds us that we are not good enough and do not deserve what we want.  In her book Yes, Please  , comedian Amy Poehler described this inner enemy as the “demon voice.” “You’re six or twelve or fifteen years old and you look in the mirror and you hear a terrible sound and it takes your breath away,” She wrote. He says she’s fat and ugly and doesn’t deserve love. And the scary part is that the demon is your own voice.”

The critical inner voice tends to be louder and harsher in some of us than in others. However, one thing is certain. As long as we listen to this dangerous critic who distorts our reality, we can’t truly trust our own perceptions of what others think of us.

This destructive “voice” is what we hear every time we say to ourselves “nobody loves me”. It is also this voice that tells us to avoid situations where we might get to know people. It silences us and makes us nervous in social environments, so we don’t act like ourselves. It confuses us with its relentless stream of self-embarrassing observations and self-limiting advice, leaving us anxious and overwhelmed. In turn, it pushes us out of shape in a way that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When we lose our confidence or sense of self, we will no longer act like ourselves. We may even conclude that our critical inner voice is warning us that we feel isolated or find it difficult to connect with others.  “Be quiet,” You’ll only embarrass yourself! Don’t you see how stupid that sounds? Nobody wants you around. You don’t add anything. Just be alone! Stop trying. NO ONE LOVES YOU!”

Of course, the critical inner voice is not experienced as a real voice speaking to us. It can be such a subconscious and subtle part of our thought process, making it difficult to recognize. Sometimes it works like a thin, shadowy filter through which we perceive the world. When someone doesn’t make eye contact with us, we say, “See? He doesn’t like you. He can tell there’s something wrong with you.”  When a friend doesn’t text us right away, say, “I wonder what you’re thinking. Maybe he’s angry with you. “You are excluded.”

When the critical inner voice reveals why we are such a loser or why no one cares about us, we lose touch with reality and proceed to blindly believe every negative thought about ourselves that this voice tells us. We confuse it with our true perspective. Therefore, it can be very difficult to notice when this voice has crept in, and even more difficult to remove from our actual perceptions. Therefore, the best way to start combating the critical inner voice is to do two things: identify when it is working and understand where it is coming from.

Where does the sound “No one loves me” come from?

The critical inner voice begins to take shape early in our lives. It consists of all kinds of hurtful negative attitudes we were exposed to in our childhood, especially from significant caregivers. For example, if a parent thinks of us as lazy, helpless, or a troublemaker, we tend to incorporate these attitudes towards ourselves at an unconscious level throughout our lives. We also tend to be influenced by how our parents feel about them; if they feel socially awkward or have low self-esteem, we adopt some of their self-critical perceptions as our own. Add to this the many other social experiences in which we feel humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected (a teacher humiliating us in front of the class, a bully humiliating us every day at school) and we can start to do this. See how our inner critic is shaped.

Coping with Isolation and Loneliness

The critical inner voice strongly influences feelings of isolation, loneliness, and social anxiety. “It helps to recognize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately that mind is actually lying to us.” Being alone is not necessarily a problem; It is the filter of seeing ourselves alone that needs to be challenged. People who feel lonely tend to see the world differently. Even in the brain alone, there are certain structural and biochemical differences. Some of the psychological effects of feeling lonely include focusing on exclusion rather than inclusion. In other words, we may be much more likely to notice if someone hasn’t invited us out, let alone five times. Another effect is shyness. We may act reserved with others, making it difficult to have an open or relaxed exchange that would lead to a positive social outcome.

Finally, loneliness can actually lead to false recall. Therefore, when we think about our day, we may distort what people say to us or how interactions occur in ways that perpetuate our perception of ourselves as isolated.

Loneliness researcher Dr. As John T. Cacioppo notes, “ Lonely individuals are more likely to interpret their world as threatening, to have more negative expectations, and to interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, distressing way, thereby confirming their world.”  Once again, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we begin to view the world as threatening or unaccepting of us, we are much more likely to behave in ways that push away or alienate others. Therefore, we must challenge the negative filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us, to challenge our loneliness once again. We must protect our critical inner voice.

Overcoming the Critical Inner Voice

When we honestly accept that we are haunted by this inner critic, we can begin to separate it from our true perspective. We can notice when it is infiltrating and tampering with the filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. Then we can understand how our actions are affected by this destructive thought process. How does my inner critic really change my behavior?

There are five important steps to overcoming this inner critic. If someone is experiencing depression, anxiety, feelings of loneliness or social isolation, seeking therapy can be extremely helpful. This can help them identify where their embarrassing feelings are coming from and how they can challenge them. Practicing with a trained therapist can provide significant benefits. There are also exercises we can do on our own that can help us challenge our critical inner voice.

 

Step One: Find out what your inner critic is telling you

Start noticing when your thought process changes and your inner critic begins to invade your mind. Maybe you’re on a date and it starts like this: “He doesn’t even like you. Why are you wasting your time?” You may be in a meeting and when you finally speak, “You don’t make any sense. Everyone is looking at you. They just want you to shut up.” It is important to understand what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice is telling you in those moments.

As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I” statements, i.e. “  I am so  boring. No one  loves Me.”   Then write the thoughts next to these sounds as “you” statements. ”  You are very  boring. Nobody  loves you.”   This actually helps you start seeing the voice as an enemy and not the real you.

Step Two: Consider where these critical attitudes come from

When people write or speak out loud, they sometimes get insight into where these bad thoughts are coming from. Many people even begin to imagine that the voice is coming from a figure in their life, such as a parent who is worried they will never be friends. Identifying where your voices originally occurred can help you gain self-understanding and distinguish these old attitudes from your current reality.

Step Three: Go back to your critical inner voice

This may sound difficult, and this step is often the hardest for people, but it is very important to advocate for yourself. Write or voice a response to your critical inner voice. You should aim to get the perspective you would have with a good friend. Once again, write a more compassionate and realistic response to your vocal attack as an “I” statement. “I’m not boring. I am a unique and valuable person who deserves friendship. “I have many qualities that many people will appreciate and like.” Don’t listen to the negative criticism that arises while completing this exercise. “It is a difficult but satisfying thing to remain faithful to ourselves, as we would to one of our friends.”

Step Four: Consider how your voice affects your actions

As you become familiar with your voices, you will become better at recognizing them when they arise. You can actively try to distract your mind and begin to notice how this voice affects your behavior. It may say that you are too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. It can make you feel insecure in your relationship, so you may find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner. If it’s telling you that the world is rejecting you, you may find that you become a little angrier or a lot meaner to yourself in your daily interactions. Try to take note of all the times your critical inner voice guides your behavior. As you do this, be: curious, open, accepting, and loving toward yourself.

Step Five: Change your behavior

Once you identify them, it is crucial to challenge the behaviors dictated by your inner critic in order to go after what you want in life. So, if your inner critic is telling you to seclude yourself at a party or keep your mouth shut, which may feel uncomfortable at first, you need to find a way to not give in to this behavior. This will only make you feel more shame or loneliness. Even if you feel embarrassed or not quite yourself at first when you act against your voice, you should remember to practice self-compassion. Challenging your voices creates anxiety, and changing a behavior pattern can make the voice seem louder at first. However, the more you take action against your inner critic, the more confident you will become. This sound will eventually fade into the background.

During this process, you may find yourself thinking, “Yes, that’s right. My voices are true about me,” remember that almost everyone has felt exactly this way at some point. Most people feel like outsiders on some level. Challenging this certain feeling is what will enable you to get what you want in life. It will allow you to shed the layers that keep you from feeling yourself. No matter what your inner critic tells you or uses to reinforce his arguments that you are different or unworthy, you can find ways to access the power to calmly silence this destructive voice and persist in moving toward your goals. Slowly but surely the inner critic will weaken. Your true self will become stronger, more vibrant, more well-known, understandable and accessible to the world around you.