Parents: how to combine authority and benevolence?

March 11, 2024 Abdullah Arif

The child of today is the adult of tomorrow, and it is for this reason that the education of children is at the heart of building a society. Parents play a vital role in this process by transmitting part of what constitutes their child’s personality. Over time, educational methods have evolved, leading to an education that attempts to unite certain forms of firmness with kindness , in order to provide the child with the framework allowing him to achieve and achieve success. to flourish, but also to better know, understand and accept one’s limits.

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Why is it important to have your children obey you?

It is important to be able to be obeyed because this is an essential means of being able to transmit our own values and life principles to the child. Children must therefore understand that there are limits not to be exceeded and rules to be respected, this will allow them to understand that the world operates according to very specific rules which it is important to respect in order to be able to live in a community and integrate into society (this is the social contract ).

Obeying his parents is the first stone in the building which will allow the child to assimilate the principle of hierarchy because he will subsequently be confronted with it at school before entering professional life. Note that it is, however, possible to be firm and caring at the same time, as we will explain to you later in this article.

How to be authoritarian with kindness?

Parents can sometimes be faced with difficult parenting situations, leading them to believe that they have to use force to make themselves heard. Several factors can come into play such as:

The parent’s own education;
Pressure and physical or mental overload (professional or otherwise);
Comparison with other parents;
The stress ;
The fear of not being good enough.

However, it is possible to replace force or shouting with gentler education methods , without danger for the child but while remaining consistent, in order to ensure healthy development.

Take care of yourself

In order to be able to educate without being forced to shout, it is important that you first take care of yourself and be attentive to your needs or suffering. Particularly in the event of stress or professional or relational overload, so as not to transmit this stress to your children. Managing your personal emotions will be useful for you to manage delicate situations because you will need mental energy to overcome a frustrating or annoying situation, and this is how you will be able to better favor calm and kindness over arguments.

Make sure you choose the right tone

Children are sensitive and can easily withdraw into themselves and engage in a defense mechanism when faced with screaming. Be sure to use the right tone to express your thoughts: it is better to explain your dissatisfaction to them calmly rather than by shouting (which deprives them of an explanation). Your child will tend to be more receptive to a situation that he calmly understands.

Be careful not to dramatize situations

Sometimes it is enough for a sock to be in the wrong place once again to trigger a reaction that could be excessive (often due to accumulation), but it is important to put things into perspective and not dramatize situations and react according to their reality. magnitude. Avoid the reproaches that often come up such as “You never listen to anything” or “You always make the same mistakes”. Also avoid describing your child negatively: it is better to say “I would like you to tidy your room” rather than “you are a messy child”. Finally, it is very important to avoid comparing your child to others by pointing out their faults, so that they do not feel devalued and less loved.

Let go when you need to

Some parents may tend to be very demanding of their children, but it is advisable to know how to let go in certain situations. Indeed, it is sometimes better to focus on the essentials, such as the values that you want to pass on to your child, rather than on secondary elements.

Be specific in your requests

This particularly concerns young children; it is important to take the time necessary to explain to them what your expectations are, and to understand that a child is not an adult, and that he or she often only acts discover what we adults have known for a long time. You should make sure that they have understood your request and that you do not feel frustrated too quickly because learning is gradual. This will thus avoid angry situations which would only accentuate their incomprehension and their possible suffering.

Show your child your appreciation

It is important to compliment your child and show your satisfaction with the successes achieved. This helps build your self-confidence and assert yourself.

You should know that valuing the work accomplished has a more impactful and healthy impact on the child than the need to be obeyed, and that rewarding a good attitude is often more effective than punishing a bad attitude.

Talk to your child

It is advisable to discuss the problem you are experiencing with your child; involving them could be beneficial in allowing them to better understand the meaning of your education. This would eliminate the feeling of obeying an order, but on the contrary participating in decision-making, generating a more impactful and beneficial effect.

Let’s take as an example the classic case of excessive television viewing. Instead of forbidding your child from watching it, you could start a discussion with him, make him understand your opinion, offer him other interesting activities while allowing him to decide on the effort he will make.

Show him your love

It is important to show your child your love and caring, even if you are bossy. Indeed, it is not a question of shouting at him and punishing him instinctively. The latter must manage to feel your love even during moments when you tighten the frame, this will prevent the child from any danger and false ideas that may cross his mind, such as “if my parents argue with me, it is because They don’t like me.”

Be kind to yourself

There is no manual to follow to the letter in order to be a good parent. This role is learned over time, it will require you to adapt and listen to your needs and the needs of your child.

It is therefore important to be kind to oneself in tense situations and to realize that this is the life experience of every family in the world.

Favor an education based on non-violence, understanding and communication in order to establish a climate which will allow your child to develop in complete safety and which will allow you, as a father or mother, to flourish during your parenting experience.

Psy n You Tips

It is possible to educate children and make them obey without resorting to violence. By combining firmness and kindness, it is possible to protect your child from the consequences of aggression while providing him with the rules necessary for his growth.

It is important to work on yourself first, to ensure your well-being and to free yourself as much as possible from the stress of your life in order to be able to best carry out this approach of benevolent authority.

It is also possible to get support, and learn to be authoritarian without danger for your child, by contacting one of our psychologists on Psy n You, particularly those specializing in child psychology and education.

You can consult them by video or telephone, at the affordable price of €39 per session.